are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
