I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
