I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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