i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
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I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
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By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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