if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
