She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
