Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
