Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
