I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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