I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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