i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
