I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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