I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
