And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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