She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
