I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
