I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
