I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I think I just shit out all my problems.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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