Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
