a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
