He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
