The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
