were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
