haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
