So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
