I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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