i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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