So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
