How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Watching her eat just hurts me
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
