I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
