I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
