What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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