I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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