im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
