the condom got lost in my hair
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
