In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
