i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
