He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize