I checked into jail on foursquare
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
