If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
