Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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