i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
