i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
