We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I think I sprained my soul last night
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
