I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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