Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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