Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
