Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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