I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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