so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
