im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
