Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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