We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
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So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
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would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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