4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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