I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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