I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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