One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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