I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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