i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
