i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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