dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
