i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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