Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
